top songs & albums of 2008

merry christmas everyone

here are my favorite songs that came out in 2008...

first team all-america top songs of 2008

bon iver - skinny love

okkervil river - lost coastlines

basia bulat - in the night

the raconteurs - old enough

she & him - why do you let me stay here? 

blitzen trapper - furr

radiohead - jigsaw falling into place

bon iver - for emma

katy perry - hot n' cold (not a typo)

fleet foxes - white winter hymnal

second team all-america top songs of 2008

the hold steady - sequestered in memphis

jenny lewis - barking at the moon

the felice brothers - frankie's gun

glen hansard & marketa irglova - you ain't goin' nowhere 

mgmt - time to pretend

fleet foxes - mykonos

jenny lewis & elvis costello - carpetbaggers

tallest man on earth - i won't be found

cat power - stuck inside of mobile with the memphis blues again

coldplay - death and all his friends

top 5 albums of 2008

bon iver - for emma, forever ago

fleet foxes - fleet foxes

she & him - volume one

radiohead - in rainbows

coldplay - viva la vida or death and all his friends (JUDGE ME)

all i want for christmas is a chili cheese dog

it's been a pretty crazy busy week.  since thursday, i have attended 4 events that required a ticket (bon iver concert on thursday, valpo vs unc college hoops game on saturday, 'a christmas carol' for the 22nd time on sunday, and the bears/packers monday night football game last night). since last thursday, i witnessed my sister fall flat on her face in the snow and crack her front tooth in half and lose another (she looked like this - no joke), was stranded in the wintery cold in lincoln park at 5:30am with no place to sleep (not fun), went downtown on sunday in negative 33 degree weather, and survived negative 12 degrees at the bears game last night. i've also been on an eating binge, which i suppose is what people do around the holidays. i've had some pretty good meals in the last few days, including a huge stuffed sandwich from lucky's sandwich co in chicago that is being featured on the travel channel on christmas eve, hot dog, giordano's deep dish pizza, & sunday brunch (shrimp, oysters, crab, chorizo & shrimp omelette, prime rib, sausage and arugula pizza, raspberry chocolate mousse, apple crumble with raisins, another apple dessert, etc).  

but the eating highlight of the week, by far, was the chili cheese dog that i had at the bears game last night.  it was perfect.  i couldn't have asked for anything more succulent and tasty. the person who prepared this piece of perfection should be awarded a gold star or be anointed a saint of chili cheese dog making. this, sadly, was the first chili cheese dog i have ever consumed, and it is certainly not the last. i am thinking about preparing some for christmas eve dinner. nothing says happy birthday jesus like a chili cheese dog.  i documented this delicious meal in the picture below. it was the highlight of the night. 

the top 10 moments of 2008

ladies & gentlemen,

i present you with the top 10 moments of 2008. 

10. late may. boston. the reincarnation of the word sandbagger. parker secretly starts emailing with jake stahl's one true love, kelly. jake wanted to marry kelly, but parker's backstabbing antics spell doom for jake & kelly's 'relationship.' jake goes into hiding for several weeks. parker was quoted as saying, "i'll sandbag jake stahl til the day he dies."

9. august 31st, shortly after midnight EST. brighton, mass. after watching the BC game at brighton beer garden, we strolled over to the biggest and best dive bar in all of boston: hogan's run. it is a dump right near the mass pike, but it's a place where dreams come true.  i would go so far as to say it is popular with about 8 locals, most notably two trucker brothers with ZZ top beards who harms and i met there. our buddy's little brother neil, a senior at BC, took hogan's run by storm and stood up on the bar and started a strip show in front of the entire bar. neil proceeded to return to BC and threw a beer bottle at an RA. supposedly. picture coming...

8. june 24th, around 5:12am EST. finding mr. paul carty passed out on top of a dining room table in chester, vermont wearing a bow-tie after 16 hours of drinking at the 2008 greater coondawg open

7. august 8th, 5:52pm EST. boston. after 23 months working at my former company, i walked out of my hellhole office for the final time - words cannot describe the bliss i felt. i walked across the street to whiskey's and began celebrating. the celebration continued at butler's 'saralympics' party and i woke up very confused the next morning alone in parker's bed, 4.71 miles away from my bed in the north end.  

6. june 23rd. chester, vermont. this is painful for me to watch. 

5. june 10th. gansbaai, south africa. i survived great white shark cage diving. i had serious concerns that the boat was going to flip over and i was going to be shark chum, but we survived. it was glorious. but never again. 

4. august 24th, around 4:52am EST. i leave the apartment of a random stranger in the lower east side of manhattan after celebrating Team USA's gold medal game victory over spain. that is another story that is very strange, but let's just say i am happy to be alive. i return to the apartment of mr. chris reilly in midtown (i think?) and find parker in the midst of eating 14 ice cream sandwiches (after drinking 16 german beers at a beer garden). parker was giggling like a schoolgirl. 

 evidence of parker's ice cream sandwich debacle

3. march 28th. i was not present at this event, but it is certainly one of the top moments of the year. the guys are at dinner at the long wharf in boston at a place called sel de la terre. they are the most inebriated people in the restaurant. jeff cook slyly starts to rest a piece of silverware over a burning candle. he starts branding people with the flaming hot silverware. at one point, micah takes a burnt knife and brands carter's wrist. micah then flattens the knife and presses down firmly. carter still has to apply scar cream several times a day.

picture 1 - taken the day after the burn

picture 2 - taken on wednesday, december 17th. taken almost 9 months after the injury.

2. Bend, Oregon. December 27th - December 31st. this has not actually happened yet, but I am 110% sure that something will happen on this trip that will be one of the top 10 moments of the year. i am guessing it will involve jake sandbagging parker and pushing him down the ski slopes of mt. bachelor. 

1. Deb. No explanation needed. 

top 10 lists

i am going to make top 10 lists for the best albums & songs of 2008. will post this week. 

dear jumpsoles

i have done 2 productive things today:

A) i took my dog, jazzy, to the dog barber.  she got a bath.  she looks good. 

2) i emailed this to jumpsoles, the company that makes the shoes that increase your vertical leap. i hope i get a response.  

December 16th, 2008

Dear Jumpsoles,

My name is _______ ____ and my goal for 2009 is to be able to dunk a basketball.  I can't come close to touching the rim, but I'm confident that I will be able to do so with the help of your Jumpsoles shoes.  Please allow me to tell you a little more about myself.  I am a 6 foot 1 inch, 24-year old caucasian male with a vertical leap of no more than 14 inches. Standing still, I can barely jump over a 12-inch meatball sub from Subway.  I played on several basketball teams in elementary school, including a traveling feeder team in junior high, but I have not played competitive basketball since.  I played golf & tennis in high school - two sports that do not necessarily require you to have a high vertical (I also wrestled for a year, but I sucked so I don't usually count that).  

I have a business proposition for you.  I am asking for your company to donate a pair of Jumpsoles to me.  In return, I will document my dunking progress with a videocamera over the next few months.  I will take weekly measurements to show my vertical leap progress and videotape various workouts using Jumpsoles.  Also, I will videotape myself attempting to dunk each week until I am able to.  When I finally obtain my goal of dunking a basketball, I will use the videos and make a mini-documentary which I will post on YouTube.  I believe this will be great publicity for your company, especially considering I'm a white boy who can't jump.  Once I am finally able to dunk (thanks to your Jumpsoles), I will show the world how your product enabled me to achieve my ultimate goal.  

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I look forward to hearing back from you soon.  

Best regards,

_______ _. ____

i wanna dunk

i went to a college basketball game tonight, but it had more of a 7th grade feel because there were a whopping 412 people at the game with an arena that fits 18,000 plus - de paul vs. morgan state!! the bears of morgan state made a big comeback in the 2nd half after being down by 9 and beat the blue demons by 4.  it was a shameful loss for de paul.  

anyway, thats not the point.  the point is that i had somewhat of an epiphany during the game.  i realized how badly i want to be able to slam dunk a basketball.  now i know white boys can't jump...especially 6"1 white guys who didn't even make the basketball team in high school.  but i want to dunk.  i can do it.  i have some time on my hands...i'm going to learn how to dunk. 

how?  i think i should buy Jumpsoles so i can improve my vertical & then i'll be able to do this

tuesday night fun

my tuesday night recap:

- i went to a holiday dinner for my dad's work. i probably wasn't supposed to go, but i did. i ate about 26 scallops, a dozen shrimp, and a make your own ice cream sundae. it was great. 

- at the holiday dinner, i met a 75 year old (approx.) lady who goes to the same gym as i do.  i asked, "do you go there often?" and she replied "ooh, do people still use that line today?" she also said that she will keep "an eye out for me" at the gym.  so i've got that goin for me...which is nice

- i snowblowed the driveway

- i tried the cranberry lambic from the sam adams winter pack. mediocre. 

- thought of a few ways to sandbag mikey parker for when we are in oregon.

- i discovered the wonders of facebook video.  i recorded myself pretending to be buzz mcalister (A, i'm not that lucky...2, we use smoke detectors...and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole united states of america, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. period.) and sent the videos to two of my cousins

- i videoconferenced with my buddy jeff

another "clue" from Carter

i received another "clue" from what's his face out in philly.  

The letter "O"

finally. a vowel. 

bad...real bad

THIS has to be one of the worst & most boring blogs i have ever seen.  a girl i went to school with is the author.  i'm not saying mine is great, but this one really sucks

i am a torturer

i tutor one night a week for a 2nd grader named kenneth, who looks a lot like latarian milton, the 7 year-old hoodrat who became famous in the world of youtube when he stole his grandmother's car.  anyway, kenneth was a no-show so i thought i would get to leave and go home - i was secretly excited.  as i was getting my stuff to leave, the program director asked me if i wanted to tutor a charming (bitchy) 8 year old named elijah (lucifer). she was the sweetest girl i have ever met (i wanted to punch her in the face). she immediately refused to shake my hand and proceeded to ignore every word i said. we went to a classroom and she refused to look at me. i tried to ask her questions, but she would not even look at me. after 2 minutes of rolling her eyes and avoiding eye contact, she put her jacket over her face. i said, "elijah, do you enjoy wasting my time? i have so many other things i could be doing right now!" (i.e. figuring out carter's puzzle or playing with my deaf dog). she didn't respond. i tried to pull the jacket off her face, but she started to yell.  i pulled the jacket harder. she yelled even louder. all of the other tutors looked at me like i was a zombie, or like i just dropped a newborn baby on her head. i went and asked the assistant director of the program to come help with the situation.  one of the first things he said was "why won't you talk to brendan?" she responded, "because he tortured me!!!!" what a little jerk.  

i hate you, elijah.  i hope you flunk 2nd grade. 

carter's giant puzzle (intentional mind-screw)

a week and a half ago i received a letter in the mail from my friend carter. when i opened it, i didn't find a note or anything.  what i found were cut-outs from  magazines with samples of men's cologne.  weird, just like carter.  the next day i received another letter, but this time there was an 8x11 piece of paper with the #1 and the letter "H" cut out of a magazine.  i was beyond confused...so i called him.  he told me that he was going to be sending me a few 'clues' in the mail every week for the next couple of months as part of a giant 'puzzle' of sorts.  why is he doing this?! i have no freaking clue. probably just to mess with my head.  i'm guessing that the clues mean absolutely nothing in the long run and this is just one giant mind-screw.  i wouldn't past him.  that would be the ultimate sandbag. 

here are some of the clues i've received:

the letter "F" and the dude from 'the girl next door' (great movie, by the way).  what the hell does this have to do with the puzzle?  what does the F mean? is the movie a clue or is the matt (emile hirsch) a clue? is the juice worth the squeeze? moral fiber? i have no idea.  i hate you carter.  

this was the worst.  it took me over 6 hours (over 3 days) before i finally figured out that this is a picture of cyrano de bergerac.  i'm still pissed about it.  SIX hours of searching google images with searches like "old european portraits" or "famous frenchmen" or "old french portraits," etc. it was awful. then amanda told me to think about the big nose and it finally clicked - cyrano.  i was so mad at myself.  it was like making a 3 point shot at the buzzer, but your team is already losing by 30.  what a waste of 6 hours.  

what does the E on the top left mean? does it have anything to do with cyrano? does cyrano have any connection to the girl next door? both underdog stories where ugly/geeky guys get the hot girl? no clue. i tried to find the transcript to the girl next door to see if there is ANY reference to cyrano de bergerac, but i had no luck.  carter is in complete control here. 

it's really, really sad that i even had 6 hours to actually spend looking for this stupid french guy. i have no idea what cyrano has to do with this puzzle, but i'm guessing i won't be able to figure that out until april or may.  

#1 = H

#2 = Y

 #3 = R

carter = dickhead

#4 = T - c'mon carter...can't you at least give me a f-ing vowel to work with?!  you're the worst

I'm Back.

on march 18th, 1995 michael jordan announced his famous comeback to the NBA in a two-word fax: "I'm Back."  

well, friends, i too have an announcement.  after some serious soul-searching and discernment, i decided to retire from this retirement blog 9 days ago.  you know, i'm really busy and i didn't have the time to blog.  but i upset a lot of loyal readers and that really hurt.  i realized that i couldn't stay away for long.  to those who i upset, i apologize.  it won't happen again.  

i'm back.  

retirement...again

i am retiring from my blogging career, effectively immediately. may be persuaded back with a tempting offer. 

movie marathon tuesday

my friend catherine from high school is taking the semester off from law school and also has some free time.  this is the gchat conversation i had with her on monday night, 11/17/08:

catherine: we should grab lunch - or maybe have another movie marathon

me: love that idea

c: i'm serious. i mean it's not like we're busy

me: um yes

me: why don't we do this - we'll rent a bunch of movies, start early, and instead of going out to dinner we can just order in so we don't have to move

c: yes! 

me: now the question is when are we doing this

c: i am available now haha

me: tues and thurs are best for me

c: is tomorrow tuesday?

me: HA. yes it is

c: because i am available tomorrow

me: well that's funny because i'm also available tomorrow

c: haha. your place or mine?

i'm going to catherine's house now for the day. will report back on this great day tomorrow. 

special guest at tutoring

i just found out that rapper Twista ('overnight celebrity') is the 'special guest' at tutoring tonight. 

is he going to be reading to the kids? no. helping them with their math? nope. 

instead, he will be playing video games with the kids. well that's just a genius idea!!!! why help kids with their reading and math when they can play video games with a gangster rapper?!?!  is that because he can't read? 

goal for the week

i'm going to do something i haven't done in a long time: set a goal for the week. this week's goal is to learn this lisa loeb song on guitar and memorize all of the words. 

treadmill 1 brendan 0

have you ever seen someone off the treadmill?  it's one of the funniest things to witness firsthand. i always laugh and think to myself wow what an idiot how could they let that happen. well, today i was that guy. about 3 minutes into my run i tripped on my shoelace and wiped the heck out. i tried to catch myself - i reached out to the handlebars but before i knew it the moving treadmill threw sucked me right off.  i'm sure at least 8 people saw this, but i was too embarassed to even look up and make eye contact. i got back on and kept running...and i looked dead straight ahead. 

also, since i already embarassed myself i should add some commentary about my gym 'preparation.' my town isn't really full of many single, attractive females between the ages of 21 and 26 who live at home with their roommates (parents). so whenever i actually have the chance to see an attractive girl, well i have to at least try to look decent. most people who go to the gym on saturday mornings probably just roll out of bed and show up. i did not. i showered and shaved before i went even though i knew i would be sweating profusely 32 minutes later. so yes, i was hoping to see some attractive females but the 6 that live in my town didn't show up. poor me. 

jazzy stop eating your back hair

as you know, my golden retriever jazzy is kinda dying.  she has a huge tumor near her spleen, she is deafer than deaf, and it takes her about 38 seconds to sit down and stand up. every morning i walk into the kitchen and can't help but think she is dead.  she doesn't move when i turn the light on. she doesn't move when i tap my foot on the floor. she doesn't move when i yell "jazzy!" she lays in a spot where i can only see her head sticking out, asleep on the floor, and i can't tell if she is breathing. every day i think to myself "oh not today, jazzy. i have to play golf or watch lost...i don't have time to deal with a dead dog." anyway, her new thing is biting the fur OUT of her back (see above). it's disgusting. that's her flesh. dog flesh is so gross. now i know why they have fur. i could barely take this picture without gagging. she keeps biting more chunks out too and i find them on the kitchen floor. sometimes i find her with her back hair hanging from her mouth. oh, right jazz, that must taste really good. what does it taste like? an HD? could you imagine biting your own hair off your body? it's gross. that's all i have to say about that.  

TheCanned.com

a buddy of mine from BC was recently laid off from his job in NYC.  we had dinner a few weeks ago in chicago and we were talking about how great the freedom is to not have a job and how we can do whatever we want.  i told him about the blog and he told me about the website he is starting called TheCanned.com.  his site is for people who have been laid off (unlike me...i prefer quitting).  i saw him again this past weekend and he told me how they have spent 2 grand on the site and are having a professional web designer create the site.  pretty wild...should be fun to see it when it's up and running...

today i am going to get a haircut and drive down to Valpo to visit my buddy jeff who is in grad school there.  we are going to karaoke at a college bar tonight.  nothing more exciting than hanging out with indiana locals.  last night i watched 'the last kiss' (by myself) with zach braff and rachel bilson.  it wasn't my favorite chick flick, but it was good.  kinda depressing though.  i don't recommend watching it if your significant other recently cheated on you...just some sage advice for ya

i'm old greg!

i saw this for the first time on sunday and i have been laughing about it since.  it is the most bizarre/creepiest video, but i secretly love it. you ever drunk bailey's from a shoe?  

veterans day = friends to hang out with! actual humans!

i think i am finally recovered from BC/ND weekend. that really did a number on the good ol body.  

today was a great day.  two buddies had off from work because of veterans day, so for once i actually had humans to talk to during daylight hours! it was a nice change of pace from talking to my deaf dog. i'm only slightly embarassed to admit that nick, pat, and i had a sleepover last night. it was really cute. in a good way. for the 3rd time in a week i woke up and saw a woman staring at me while i slept.  although it wasn't a person.  it was a globe. the other day a poster turned into a crowd of people watching me. it's really bizarre...methinks i'm going crazy. but that's another story. we had a ridiculously unhealthy breakfast at a favorite local dive called sarkis. this place was shut down in high school because it violated basically every health violation known to man and also because the employees were selling drugs. very classy joint. i really don't know how it ever got reopened. they have this sandwich called the loretta that undoubtedly has to contribute to clogged arteries. it tastes delicious, but within minutes it feels like you have a 12 lb. weight in your stomach and it is lined with acid and porcupine spikes. nausea sets in about 4-7 minutes after consumption. i still feel awful 9 hours later. afterwards, we went and played golf even though it was 35 degrees and windy. we were the only people on the entire course, which was great. it wasn't too bad until it started sleeting/hailing ice on the 13th hole.  it.was.so.cold. i plan on doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the night and starting a fire. maybe drink some hot chocolate. maybe watch a movie. but i am definitely not doing anything that requires energy. 

12th hole

tee shot at the 12th...winter hat + long underwear + 4 layers

ice on the 18th green

i applied to med school today. not really, but kind of.

i realize that many people don't know what i actually do on a daily basis.  the truth is that i don't really know what i do on a daily basis, so i thought i would recap my day.  today i woke up at 9:42am, on my own. i found my deaf golden retriever jazzy laying outside my door when i woke up. we walked downstairs and i let her outside to use the facilities, also known as the backyard. when jazzy was able to actually hear, i would open up the backdoor and say "go to your spot" and jazzy would go #1 and/or #2 in the same exact spot every single time. it was like magic. we put some rocks on the right side of the yard near the fence and without a doubt she would go to the bathroom in the same 3x3 area every time. now, she just pees wherever the hell she wants. i really took her magical peeing ability in the same spot for granted over the years. i went out to throw the tennis ball to her this morning and found myself dodging steps to avoid you know what. stupid dog. then i went inside to pour myself a bowl of cereal - special k with yogurt - but noooo. we ran out. so i had to settle for crispix, which i was less than thrilled about. then i ate a yogurt (cherry vanilla...new favorite). then i checked my email for awhile and avoided exercise and going for the run that i had planned and drank a diet cherry coke.  or was it a diet coke with cherry. is there a difference? i'm not sure. diet cherry coke used to have an awesome design on the can, but diet coke with cherry is boring and looks like regular diet coke. then i applied for medical school. really. i did. but it wasn't for me. my idiot friend who lives in DC realized that the loyola chicago application was due tomorrow, so he had me print out all of the forms, find scissors, cut out his picture, find glue, glue his picture to Form C (the picture above is Form C...and it's what i sent to my buddy when i was doing this crap for him...i told him i was busy and couldn't do it but he was like sage you dont have a job you have time...busted), then fill out the supplemental application, then print out the "addendum" to the supplemental application, then fake his signature on the med school forms.  then i went to the UPS store and spent $22.09 to overnight these forms to the med school on his behalf.  he owes me big time.  it was my first time applying to medical school, and i am very proud of myself.  then i drove to my cousin jaimie's house to visit her and her 3 kids.  she just had her 3rd baby 5 weeks ago.  her kids are named maggie, molly, and maeve.  the girls are awesome and i played with them for about 2 hours.  lesson i learned: do not have kids for at least 7 years...they are more work than i ever imagined.  at one point jaimie went to the bathroom and i was with maggie and molly in the kitchen (3 years and 18 months).  i was talking to maggie and the next thing i knew molly was gone.  i ran in the other room and she was climbing up the stairs.  fortunately, jaimie grabbed her but in her head she was probably like brendan you are an idiot i left you alone for 42 seconds and my child could have fallen down the stairs and broke her neck.  i did steal some of maggie's halloween candy.  i'm not sure if she noticed.  then i drove home.  it was raining.  jason mraz's "i'm yours" came on and i spent 4 minutes trying to harmonize with the song.  i did a pretty good job.  i basically sound just like him.  then i came home, gave my dog a treat, and emailed some more.  then i laid on the couch for about 8 minutes and stared at the ceiling.  then i went to dinner with my friend's mom. hot date. a guy came up and asked if we were married.  dead serious.  my friend's mom replied "ummm yes i'm a cougar!" i cannot fully stress how uncomfortable this made me feel at the moment.  then she asked the bartender, stephanie, if she had a boyfriend because she thought she might want to go on a date with me.  i was petrified.  fortunately, stephanie has a boyfriend. i came home and watched part of the virginia tech/maryland game and talked to my roommate (mother). we talked about how my sister is on a 'date' with a guy who is from liverpool, england.  i called her the other night and said "so when this guy from liverpool wants to hold your hand does he start singing beatles songs and sing 'i wanna hold your haaaaaaaaand.'" she was not pleased and hung up.  they saw a movie. i wonder what movie they saw. then i received a drunk dial from someone who reads this blog that lives in conshohocken, pennsylvania. i talked to him for 8 minutes and then packed for boston. i'm leaving for the airport in 5 hours.  that is pretty much my day.  goodnight. 

too good not to post...

this has nothing to do with my retirement or the great life that i am living, but it is definitely worth posting...

and i thought i was bored...

joe sabia is able to cheek whistle the super mario brothers theme song...

FAQs

some people have been asking me questions lately about my retirement.  here are some of the questions i received and my responses

Q: your blog has been going on for over a month now.  are you really still unemployed? 

A: i'm retired, you prick. back off.  

Q: shouldn't you get a job?

A: no. 

Q: do you want to get a job?

A: next question. 

Q: don't you feel like you are wasting your life by not working and just watching Lost?

A: not at all.  i love my life. how is your cubicle today?  go away. 

Q: it sounds like your life is a joke. don't you have any aspirations? do you ever feel worthless. 

A: i hate you. 

Q: what do you eat for lunch usually? 

A: most days i have either a pepper turkey sandwich or a chicken lime burger from trader joe's. they are delicious.  i usually make these into paninis. sometimes i make 2 chicken burgers and i make it a double chicken burger panini. sometimes i put a slice of bread in between the burgers. sometimes i don't. usually i put some spicy brown mustard and a little bit of ketchup on the burgers. if i have turkey, i put a little bit of spicy brown mustard.  ketchup does not taste very good on turkey. i also have a banana, yogurt, granola bar, and a diet coke for lunch. my dog watches me eat every day and when we make eye contact she looks to her box of treats in the hopes that i will give her one, but i usually look away and keep eating. 

Q: how many paninis do you eat per week?

A: between 7-10. 

Q: how many yogurts do you eat a week? 

A: between 20 and 30. my roommates get mad because i eat all of the yogurt. 

Q: how many times per week do you go pick up the dry cleaning for your roommates? 

A: 2-3. it's really annoying. i hate having a chore to do. 

Q: what have you done today? 

A: i called comcast because the internet wasn't working and i was pissed that i couldn't watch Lost online. i talked to 4 different people.  i got disconnected from 3 of those 4 people and had to call back. i was not pleased. i was on the phone for almost 2 hours.  then i found out that comcast is not our internet provider.  WTF. comcast is only our cable provider.  wowway is our internet provider. what the hell is wowway?  who names their company wowway? i told the lady i really need to see episode 10 of lost because amanda said it's "heartwarming" and that she needed to fix my internet as soon as humanly possible. 

Q: what time do you usually shower at each day?

A: if i shower, it's generally between 4-6pm. 

feel free to submit more questions.  i will respond to them within 6-12 business days.  

new Lost characters

Bubolo = Boone

m.zach definitely fits the role of boone.  they are both all-american type guys who are very likable.  zach has the good looks of boone and muscular physique, although to my knowledge he does not have a really hot step-sister who he is secretly in love with and had relations with in australia.  zach is australian and probably has some hot australian cousins though.  boone is curious and brave as he embarks into the jungle with locke in attempts to open up the hatch. he shows great determination and an eagerness to learn from locke.  he risked his life by climbing the tree and attempting to use the old plane radio to call and signal for help.  zach would surely have done the same thing - he is a natural leader.  zach is an avid Lost fan and is counting down the days til season 5, even though his character is dead.  

Meg Butler = Juliet

meg is really excited to be cast as juliet because she gets to make out with jack.  meg works at mass general and juliet is a well known fertility doctor. juliet was caught stealing medicine from the hospital. meg also steals medicine from the hospital, but she is sneaky and has not been caught yet. meg and juliet also share the same flowing golden hair. they both have sisters, although meg did not impregnate sarah by sticking her with a needle in the stomach every day. at least not yet. 

if we were on Lost...

i have watched 73 episodes of LOST since last thursday (pathetic) and i started to think about how i wanted to be lost on a deserted island with my friends.  it sounds like fun, minus the whole gun shooting and murders.  so i thought it would be fun to compare my friends to the LOST character they most resemble.

J. Stahl = Michael

Stahl is the biggest sandbagger i know, and michael is the biggest sandbagger on the show.  it's an easy decision.  michael murders ana lucia & libby in cold blood and turns in jack, kate, and sawyer to 'the others' so he can get his son back.  he also peeped and saw sun naked from the waist up in season one, which is one of stahl's favorite hobbies.  

Carter = John Locke

carter is a lot smarter than he looks, and the same goes for john locke.  when locke first appeared laying helplessly in the beach after Oceanic flight 815 crashed, he looked dumb and very confused. i thought the same when i first met carter. but it turns out you can't judge a book by its cover.  locke & carter are both brilliant (even though it pains me to compliment carter in any way) and also both very calculated and sometimes secretive.  locke emerges as one of the leaders of the crash survivors, and is quite proficient in the outdoors with a gun and knife. carter is also someone our friends look up to as a 'leader' (he usually is the ring-leader in taking shots at a bar), and he has experience in the outdoors.  carter has been known to shoot birds and other animals in the mountains of oregon.  additionally, locke looks incredibly creepy at times, and carter is one of the creepiest people i know and says extremely inappropriate things to girls all the time.  also, locke is missing a kidney.  carter is missing his spleen.  and the main reason why carter = locke is because he said "f-you i want to be jack!"

The Coondawg = Jack

jack is dashingly handsome and quite the hunk, just like the coondawg himself.  it's hard not to like jack right from the beginning of the show.  similarly, it's impossible not to love the coondawg. most people consider jack the leader of the survivors. everyone turns to him for advice, leadership, and hope.  he is always there for his friends.  the coondawg is always there for his friends, as well.  he serves as a beacon of hope for america, just as jack is the symbol of hope for the survivors of oceanic flight 815. jack saves countless people throughout the show, from rescuing from after the crash to serving as the island doctor.  he's a hero.  

Amanda = Kate

kate and amanda are total bad-asses.  kate burned down her house with her drunk father inside, robbed a bank, and was a fugitive in australia. amanda also has a painful and reckless past.  in her youth she was a neighborhood terror in medfield. families feared that her hippie living ways would be a negative influence on those around her.  in high school, she shipped pot in a peanut butter jar across state lines, which is a felony. despite their dark pasts, they are both easy to love and are greatly respected amongst their peers.  amanda went bungee jumping in british columbia, which is where evangeline lilly (kate) is from.  both amanda and kate are both great at 'tracking' in the woods.  

Parker = Sawyer

parker is a conniving, two-faced liar, just like sawyer. parker defines the word 'womanizer' and thinks he is far more attractive than he is, just like sawyer.  sawyer quickly becomes one of the most hated survivors of the plane crash and rubs people the wrong way with his cynical, dickhead ways.  similarly, parker is one of the most hated of our friends.  parker and sawyer have made a living off hooking up with girls, pretending he cares about them, and then steal their money. sawyer makes a habit of making up nicknames for people such as "freckles" for kate, "mr miyagi" and "bruce [lee]" for jin, "dr quinn" and "cool hand" for jack, "pillsbury" and "stay puft" for hurley. the last time i hung out with parker in a bar, he went up to a girl and told her she "looked like a dragon." he also refers to j. stahl as "jacoby stahlsbury" and his mother as "zelda."  

Steve = Hurley

steve eats more than anyone else I know (i.e. roggie's pizza at 4am). steve also has an imaginary friend named Dave.  and the girls he likes usually ends up dying.  

Cosgrove = Ana Lucia

ana lucia is one tough mama.  she is a bad-ass LAPD cop who puts the capital T in Tough. cosgrove is pretty much the toughest, most intimidating girl i know and really reminds me of ana lucia.  teaching in the Bronx for the last 2.5 years has made her stone-faced and cold. and scary. 

Kyle = Mr. Eko

kyle aspires to be a nigerian drug lord and is the strongest person i know in terms of pure strength.  kyle also enjoys quoting scripture for fun.  

Micah = Walt

they are both just so cute and lovable. not only do they look really similar, walt and micah both lived in australia for a short time.  walt looks up to john locke and respects him greatly, just as micah looks up to carter (aka john locke).  

McGoohan = Mr. Arzt

mr. arzt is a very intelligent science teacher who is very helpful for the survivors but unfortunately blows himself up with dynamite. mcgoohan is the smartest scientist i know and spent the last 2 years doing strange medical tests with mice.  just seemed logical. 

Cook = Jin

Jin is an attractive man from Korea and does not speak English. he is married to Sun and he is a very angry, controlling but sometimes loving husband. cook is half-asian so he would make a great jin.  cook is also a great cook (pun intended) and jin likes to catch fish and cook them.  

Kate = Sun

sun is a very pretty Korean woman who is married to jin. sun's life is controlled by jin and kate's life is pretty much controlled by jeff so that was a no-brainer. sun learned english behind jin's back, which greatly upset him.  no matter what happens though, sun is a very loyal and loving wife who risks her life by going out on a boat with sayid & jin to save jack, kate, and sawyer. kate is also a very loyal and loving wife & has great warmth and compassion. 

J. Stahl = Ben

ben is just so easy to hate, so i let stahl be two different (hated) characters. ben tries to convince jack & co. that he is henry gale, a guy from minnesota who crashed his hot-air baloon. stahl does not fly a hot-air baloon, but he is an avid snowmobiler.  ben is a bad, bad man with a tumor in his spine. stahl is a bad, bad man with no spine (figuratively speaking). 

J. Carlson = Henry Gale

henry gale is dead, but they show his drivers license for 1.8 seconds and it says he is from wayzata, minnesota.  carlson is also from wayzata, minnesota.  

Curt = Charlie

charlie's life was in disarray before the plane crashed and he wound up on the island. he was a heroin junkie who used to be in a rock band in england. there were doubts if he was ever going to clean up his act. we wondered the same thing when curt didnt go to class senior year and instead played online poker all night long. charlie ends up being a great man who everyone loves & is a hero at the end of season 3.  curt wound up being a hero this summer when he placed in the top 150 poker players at the world series of poker in vegas. who knew he would come around! 

Mok = Alex

alex is rousseau's long-lost daughter who hates her fake father, ben, and tries to help kate, sawyer, etc. to escape 'the others.'  she's a smart, sweet, genuine girl who has a big heart and does not like living with the others.  Mok is equally sweet  and smart and has the brown hair to match alex.  

Me = Desmond

desmond is a great, wise man who sees 'flashes' from the future. he is a great asset to the survivors and helps charlie get into the underwater station. some may say he is a sage - a well-read and very intelligent man who once was a monk. he's a stud so that's partly why i cast myself as him.  plus, i wish i had a scottish accent, brother. 

Todisco = Paolo

if todisco grew out his hair a bit he would be the perfect paolo.  

Jared = Sayid

jared is not iraqi but he has the curly, flowing locks to match sayid, who is one of the most likable characters on the show. jared is one of the most likable guys i know. both are super nice, compassionate, and very suave with the ladies. to my knowledge, jared was not an iraqi torturer though. 

Loftus = Rousseau

katie is not french but she is very intelligent and has the brown hair to pull off the rousseau look.  she is also mok's mother. 

thanks to kate aka amanda for this idea and input...

temporary hiatus

i have been too busy watching LOST that i forgot about updating this blog.  

i have watched 20 episodes in the last 24 hours.  

that is all. 

hi mrs sage!

my mom didn't know that you can videoconference on her Mac, so carter and i decided to play a little prank on her.  i set up the webcam with carter and hid it behind a website where i told my mom i had an article i wanted her to read.  

to her surprise, carter was there to say 'hello'

Mastercard vs. The Greater Coondawg Open

those who are familiar with The Greater Coondawg Open are well aware that we sell GCO merchandise on our website.  one of the GCO executives whose name will go unmentioned created the GCO website and all merchandise.  Zazzle.com is the website used to create the merchandise.  by my count, The GCO sold 3 t-shirts and keychains in its first 5 months of existence, which created slightly more revenue than lehman brothers did in Q3.  one of the executives created t-shirts that apparently violated the intellectual property rights for Mastercard.  we were notified of this last night:

Dear *******,

Thank you for your interest in Zazzle.com, and thank you for publishing products on Zazzle.  Unfortunately, it appears that your product, "GCO Shirt," is in violation of Zazzle's Copyright policies.  Specifically, your product has violated the intellectual property rights of Mastercard. 

We have been contacted by Mastercard and will be removing this product from the Zazzle galleries shortly. 

Best regards,

Content Management Team

Zazzle.com, Inc. 

We are going to fight it.  

bump up jesus christ in a chevy

i tutored a 2nd grader named kenneth last night.  what a strange little kid.  he started telling me how tomorrow is his birthday and how he is so excited to turn 8 and go skating after school.  he also said that they might go to six flags but only with the good friends - the bad kids at school who punch people and are grounded can't go.  i came across a piece of paper that was in his folder and it had all of his background info - and it said his birthday is june 7th.  kenneth lied to me.  so i said 'hey kenneth, your birthday is in june.'  he got quiet and then started to pout.  

then he snapped out of it and told me that i need to learn how to "bump up jesus christ in a chevy."  the conversation went like this

kenneth: you need to bump jesus christ in a chevy. i bump up jesus christ every day

me: what on earth are you talking about?

k: bumpin' up jesus christ man. don't you know what that is? man you need to know

me: kenneth, that makes absolutely no sense. do you go to school? is this what they teach you? why a chevy?

k: man its bumpin up jesus.  in a chevy.  you gotta understand.  

me: i don't get it

k: do you know what sovereign means?  

me: yes

k: what does it mean?

me: i am 17 years older than you. i dont have to answer this question. i know what it means

k: what does omnipresent mean?

me: always present

k: uh-huh. jesus christ is always present.  thats why we gots to bump him up

me: does jesus like chevy's?  what about honda or lexus or ford? why is it a chevy?

k: man you need to learn how to bump up jesus.  i love his mission.  i love jesus

me: i still don't get the bumping up part

we then proceeded to learn about contractions, although he could not possibly comprehend what they were.  i hope i learn how to bump up jesus in a chevy before i see him again next week, or he's gonna be mad.  

to have an idea what kenneth looks like and how he talks, this kid is definitely his long lost twin brother

videoconferencing

the best part about my day so far has been videoconferencing with two of my friends.  for privacy purposes, we'll call them amanda and carter.  we videoconferenced for over an hour.  it was great.  

hi carter.  you look good.  

amanda is riding a rollercoaster.  note the fandango website in the background - i was planning on seeing a movie during the day, but videoconferencing was much more fun.  

carter busted out a GCO mug and a yuengling and started drinking.  this was taken around 12:26pm CST.  

carter on the beach.  

Re: Your eBay item sold! WHAT?! REALLY?!

i was driving down the kennedy expressway into downtown chicago last night when i got an email from eBay saying that someone actually won the auction for my wrestling practice t-shirt and shorts from freshmen year.  i had completely forgotten about the auction and was just stunned that someone bought it.  i figured one of my sandbagger friends bought it just so i would have to physically leave my house and send it in the mail, which requires maximum effort for someone who is enjoying retirement.  but no - none of my sandbagger friends bought it.  the buyer is from CHARLOTTE, NC and HER name is amy.  also, keep in mind that she purchased the t-shirt and shorts for 14 cents.  i should have started the auction at 3 or 4 dollars.  why the hell is a woman from charlotte buying my wrestling clothes from 1998?  that makes no sense.  i immediately thought of my friend edward in charlotte and figured he had one of his friends in charlotte buy it as a joke.  so i looked her up on facebook but saw that we have no mutual friends.  i couldn't think of anything else to do, so i emailed her.  this is what i said:

"hi amy,

it appears that you won the ebay auction for my old wrestling t-shirt and shorts. i just wanted to check to see if this was a mistake or some sort of accidental purchase. i put them on ebay as a joke amongst my friends.  not once did i ever think someone would actually bid on them, let alone win the auction.  needless to say, i was pretty shocked when i got the email that you won the auction.  let me know what you think when you get this.  

thanks, 

brendan"

amy wrote back tonight.  this is her response:

"Hi Brendan-

I realize that the purchase was a bit odd; just as the posting was.  And my explanation for purchasing this rivals your explanation for selling it, but since you shared your story, I will share mine: My husband is the world's biggest Bill Murray fan.  Each year for his birthday and Christmas, I buy him some obscure Bill Murray related memorabilia. This practice has evolved into something of a joke over time and I have continued to go further and further in the obscurity department. As I'm sure you know, Bill Murray went to your high school as you can now guess, the 'obscure gift of the year' to my husband is this t-shirt (I thought the fact that it's a wrestling shirt really adds some charm). While I'm sure that Bill didn't wrestle as you did, my husband will be absolutely tickled by this gift. 

I hope that this ensures that your shirt is going to some good hands. In fact, since my husband has a great sense of humor - and evidently you do too - if you'd like to write something about the shirt that he will be receiving, it would actually be appreciated and my husband would likely find it hilarious. 

I hope I haven't shared too much. 

Best regards, 

Amy" 

this is a riot.  much more than i ever bargained for.  so, so random.  well, i suppose the only thing to do is to send amy the t-shirt & shorts...AND, as she requested, write a little letter for her husband.  i want to write a great little b-day letter for amy's husband, so i think it would be fun to open up the letter writing to my 4.2 loyal readers.  please submit funny letters to me by 10pm CST/11pm EST on Thursday night.  i will put together bits and pieces from each letter and send to amy.  thanks!

tacos burritos whats comin out your speedo?

i woke up yesterday in horrible pain.  my body hated me for running the chitown marathon on sunday.  i could hear my body yelling 'f you! i hate you! this feels worse than rabies!' so i had to do something so my body would start to forgive me.  there is one place that can instantaneously make my body happy...chipotle.  and there is not a better way to recover from an 80 degree, 26.2 mile death march than by eating a delicious chipotle burrito.  and man was it delicious. usually when i came home from boston chipotle was one of the first places i visited.  but when i moved back in early september i banned trips to chipotle and wouldn't let myself go until after the marathon was over.  it was one of the top 13 hardest things i've ever done.  i drove by it almost every day (that's a lie - i didn't leave my house 3-4 days a week in september).  walking (or should i say waddling like a duck?) into chipotle yesterday was beyond liberating...i was smiling more than parker after DHing.  

i think i'm going to go back today.  i can't resist.  

i have an anonymous follower

thanks to katie the stranger who randomly posted a comment on the blog...

"No idea who you are, randomly found the blog. But Google Tom Collicio and you will find another uncanny resemblance to Cal Ripken."

thank you, katie. i don't know who you are, but i love you. 

things i found in my car

i started to unpack the stuff from my car today - a huge recliner that blocked the view from my rear-view mirror, some boxes, 1.8 chairs, and other crap like the red stapler that i used at work (it served as a symbol of my bane 'officespace'-esque existence).  the stuff has been in my car for over 5 weeks.  here are some pictures of 3 of the items that have been in the car:

this is the ugliest, most hideous painting i have ever seen.  is the girl on the left the devil? she has devil ears. this was created by a friend from college who lives near me back home.  long story as to why i have it, but it has been in my possession for over a year.  i left it under my bed in boston because it was just too horrible to look at.  i might burn it. i hope my friend got an F for this painting because it sucks.  i really hope its not a self-portrait. 

some of you might be familiar with my old school 1980s BC folding chair.  this was acquired through an eBay purchase on a very, very drunk night sophomore year.  i woke up the next morning and thought "oh crap i think i bought something on eBay."  sure enough, i did.  $55 for the chair. $19 for shipping.  great way to waste $74.  i also bought something else that night...a $2 lightswitch cover with doug flutie painted on it.  i still have it.  now that was a great purchase.  

here is my leather desk chair.  it is no longer a working chair because as i took it out of my jeep, i realized that i left the base of the chair with the wheels back in boston.  so its a worthless piece of junk.  

carter ruined my day on the links

oh hey.  que pasa. greetings from the land of retirement. i didnt realize that my webcam takes pictures like a mirror, so the first attempt at a picture (see top) was a complete failure. i had to re-write my sign with backward letters. 

yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of my last day of work, so i celebrated by sleeping in, getting a haircut, and playing golf.  it was a perfect fall day - leaves were falling, the sun was shining. i had a great round going - the best round i have had in 2 years - and as i walked off the 17th tee i got a text message from a good friend.  for the sake of privacy, i'll call him chris carter.  the text asked what i was doing, so i told him i was about to tee off on 18.  chris carter responded and said he hoped i sliced my drive into the drink (the drink = water for you ignorant non-golfers).  i usually keep my phone in my golf bag, but for some reason i responded and left the phone in my pocket.  i made the mistake of telling him if i par the 18th hole i will finish with a great score.  i was taking a practice swing and i felt a vibration in my pocket.  carter.  he said "choke! choke! choke!'" i wrote back "if i bogey this you are dead." i was nervous as i stood over my shot, thinking about these taunting texts.  i hit my shot on the green, but had a long birdie putt.  as i walked up to the green, i felt another vibration in my pocket (it felt really good in a good way).  the text said, "double bogey! double bogey! double bogey!" i hit the putt 3 feet past the hole.  uh oh.  a tough left-to-right breaking 3 footer with my  best score in 2 years on the line.  i lined up my putt and i stood over the ball visions of carter mockingly laughing appeared in my head.  he was yelling "miss it miss it miss it!"

and i missed it.  made bogey.  F you chris carter!  you ruined my round.  i hate you

look what i found on ebay...

click below...

this might be the hottest auction on ebay

sweet friday night!!!!

this was my really fun friday night:

5:05pm - i decided to get wild and see a movie with my 3 best friends (me, myself, and i)

5:07pm - i visited my friend fandango and found a movie

5:38pm - i arrived at the theater

5:40pm - i bought a large diet coke

5:45pm - previews began

5:52pm - viewing of "nick & norah's infinite playlist" began

5:55pm - i finished my large diet coke and suddenly have to pee

6:04pm - we meet norah (played by kat dennings)

6:08pm - i go pee

6:23pm - i hear high schoolers making out behind me. the kissing noises are sloppy.  amateurs.

6:28pm - i go pee again

6:43pm - i realize i am the only person in the theater giggling

7:22pm - movie ends. i leave feeling happy.  good movie.  

7:34pm - i get home. my roommates are gone.  i decide to make dinner for them for when they get home

8:04pm - i google kat dennings and find this picture that makes her look like marilyn manson

8:17pm - i cook dinner.  i eat by myself.  where are my roommates? 

8:52pm - roommates are still not home.  their food is cold. 

9:08pm - i watch forgetting sarah marshall

9:25pm - mila kunis is really hot.  i pause the movie to wikipedia mila kunis and find everything there is to know about her. 

9:27pm - i throw a brick at my computer when i learn that she is married to macaulay culkin

9:29pm - i smash my "home alone" DVD

9:30pm - i resume watching forgetting sarah marshall

i have no clue what time the movie finished

11:22pm - i go to bed.

i try to forget that i was on the freshman wrestling team

after a month in the land of lincoln, i finally started to unpack today.  while looking through old clothes in my drawers, i came across my high school freshmen wrestling t-shirt.  i try to keep this a secret because it was a dark, dark time back in the winter of '98.  i'm sure my 3 loyal readers are thinking, "i bet he was the best wrestler on the squad! he is so muscular and has a wrestler's build!" while that may be true, i was by far the worst wrestler on the team.  in no way whatsoever did i add anything to the team, other than serve as the team's 159 lb. living human bitch-toy in practice.  i boasted a record of 1-7 (keep in mind that my only victory was a forfeit, so i technically did not win a single match all year).  hell i don't even think i won a match in practice.  there were 3 or 4 other guys in my weight class, and we had to wrestle each other in practice to see who would go to the actual matches.  i only went to the matches when the other guys couldn't go.  needless to say, i hung up my wrestling shoes and retired after one year.  i don't even think the coach asked me why i wasn't coming back. 

one month at home...the greatest panini...cal ripken jr.?

i've been home for one month now.  i spent about 32 seconds thinking about what i have done over the last month & i couldn't really think of anything productive.  i went to some college football games, cubs games, played a lot of golf, went to a wedding, slept in, etc.  i haven't even unpacked yet.  when i left boston my life was packed into my jeep.  half of my stuff is still in my jeep (including my comforter and pillow...now that is lazy).  i should probably get the rest out of it and maybe, just maybe, start to unpack. so i was thinking about the last month and concluded that best (and only) accomplishment was that i made the single greatest panini in the history of paninis.  seriously, i challenge all 4 of my readers to make a better panini.  you can't do it.  

yesterday was a pretty great day.  i played golf in the morning and went to the cubs game last night.  before the cubs game i thought i saw Cal Ripken Jr. about 50 feet away.  i turned to my buddy and said "hey there's cal ripken!" then people around us started chanting "steve! steve! steve!" i was like who the hell is steve? why are people calling cal ripken steve?! how could you disrespect one of the greatest baseball players to ever live by calling him steve?! idiots, i thought.  turns out it was not cal ripken, but Steve Wilkos, jerry springer's bodyguard. the resemblance is remarkable.  or maybe the old style was getting to my head.  then someone told me that this dude has his own tv show...the steve wilkos show.  seriously? what a joke.  i thought i would do some research about his show since i've never seen it.  the first google news story to come up said "The Steve Wilkos Show - When Ashley was 16, her mother traded her to a 43-year old man in exchange for a bird! Can Steve knock some parenting sense into this kind of parent?"(side note: this made me think of when my aunt anne and cousin molly were in morocco a few years back and some crazy moroccan tried to convince my aunt to trade 'the pretty blonde,' molly, for 100 camels...aunt anne politely declined...i wonder if she was tempted) - poor ashley.  traded for a bird!  that has to screw her up for life, or end up being a bird killer.  

scarlet fever? what?

last night i went downtown to tutor a little 2nd grader named kenneth (yes, i do leave my house on occasion). when we were walking into the classroom of this school, i noticed a sign right outside the door saying that a student in this room had been exposed to Scarlet Fever.  seriously?!  i pretty much stopped dead in my tracks, looked into the classroom, and thought about running.  does scarlet fever still exist?  didn't oxen die from scarlet fever in the oregon trail game?  i thought there was a vaccine for that.  

phone interview

today has been a great day so far.  i had a bowl of special K fruit & yogurt cereal.  it is quickly climbing the charts as one of my favorite cereals, but golden grahams is still hanging on for first place.  i called a pest control service to set up a time to come kill the bees nest that is right outside my front door.  two weeks ago i was in my driveway and a bee stung me in the neck.  my whole body broke out in hives.  it was really fun.  the best part was when the nurse jabbed an epi-pen into my leg like with so much force it was as if she were violently stabbing her cheating & lying husband.  the adrenaline made my whole body shake uncontrollably.  now i have a spare epi-pen on my kitchen counter.

i have a phone interview at 12:30, which is kinda annoying.  the lady wanted to do it at 9:15, but i said nay nay. that is way too early.  c'mon lady! she asked if i had a conflict with that time, and i said yes (sleeping). you can have a lot of fun with phone interviews.  my favorite thing about them is how the person at the other end has no idea what you are doing.  you could be completely naked jumping up and down on your bed during the phone interview and still get the job. maybe i'll do that today.  i could even stab myself with the epi-pen before the interview and then analyze how quickly my body responds to the adrenaline & how it affects my performance on the phone.  

also, my dog has not had any near death scares today but her new thing is biting the fur out of her back.  she has a bald spot on her back now and it's disgusting.  i can't even look at her.  

"heat" vs "made of honor"

one of the great things about retirement is watching 4-12 movies a week.  this past week i watched some good flicks, including the epic 'heat' from 1995 and the 2008 powerhouse 'made of honor,' which probably went straight from production to DVD (i pretend that it sucked but i secretly loved it).  i watched these on consecutive nights and while watching 'made of honor' i couldn't help but start comparing it to 'heat,' which is a crime drama with al pacino and robert de niro.  after it ended, everyone was asleep (my roommates, i mean parents, go to bed at 9 and 11) and i had nothing to do. so i wrote an essay about heat and made of honor that night (before the birth of this blog).  it's really good. here it is:

Michael Mann's "Heat" starring Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Val Kilmer, and Paul Weiland's "Made of Honor" starring Patrick Dempsey and some really cute brunette who I have never seen before are two of the greatest films of our generation.  Not only would ESPN call them "Instant Classics," they have incredible similarities.  In fact, they are basically the same movie, just written over a decade apart.  

 

In "Heat," Pacino chases De Niro because he is involved in illegal behavior.  Patrick Dempsey's character is essentially a younger Al Pacino, and the girl who he chases is De Niro.  Just as Pacino thinks he is going to lose De Niro in the chase, Dempsey chases the cute girl when he thinks he is going to lose her.  Dempsey/Pacino = chasers. De Niro/cute girl = chasees.   

A symbol of both films, metaphorically speaking, is heat.  First of all, the word heat is mentioned quite a bit in the movie "Heat."  The pressure that Pacino and his LAPD force puts on De Niro and his men is described as putting "on the heat."  The heat ultimately leads to the downfall of De Niro's character, whose name is Neil something.  Similarly, Patrick Dempsey's character in "Made of Honor," Tom, really puts on the heat on Hannah, played by the previously mentioned really cute brunette, when he follows her to Scotland and rides a horse into the front of the church while she is about to get married to the Scottish prick Colin.  Tom really does it.  He puts the heat on hard and in a really good way.  Tom tells Hannah that he loves her and wants to be with her.  Had Tom not put the heat on, she would have married Colin and lived in Scotland forever.  Thus, one could say that the heat Tom put on led to the downfall of Colin the Scottish dude.  Also, it should be noted that the name Hannah is a palindrome. 

Weiland, the director of "Made of Honor," must be the little brother, step-brother, or half-cousin of Michael Mann, the guy who made "Heat." Weiland carefully covers the very heavy themes of "Heat" in his creative and beautiful modern-day adaptation.  If you were going to take a girl to a movie on a date, you could pick either one and not worry about whether or not she will like the movie because they are pretty much the same and have no differences whatsoever. 

i think my dog is dead at least 6 times a day

jazzy is scaring me.  several times a day.  her favorite hobby is sprawling out on the floor and making me think she is dead.  it just happened again a few minutes ago (see picture).  jazzy puts new definition to the word deaf - she literally can't hear a thing - and can't hear me coming down the stairs or even walking around the kitchen.  she sometimes looks up when i walk in the room - probably because she must feel the floor shaking or something.  but when i'm walking around the kitchen, making noise, etc. and she doesnt move, i think she is dead. dead as a dog.  she does have a tumor so we don't know how long she actually has to live, so every time i see her like that i think the worst.  i do NOT want to be the one who finds their dead dog on the floor, so everytime i see her and she doesn't move i'm thinking crap why did you have to die right now jazzy i wanted to take a nap! so inconsiderate of her. then i check her breathing, and i can then go nap or watch a chick flick or something.  

i just heard a noise coming from the bathroom.  jazzy was drinking water out of the toilet.  ah yes, she is alive.  

oh hello retirement

i never thought i would make a blog, but after 40-something days of not wanting to find another job the mind becomes a little loopy (i spent a solid 4 minutes today letting my deaf and nearly blind 15 year old golden retriever Jazzy chase me around the kitchen island - the best part was when i would sneak up from behind and scare the heck out of her).  it seems like a good idea as of 9:42pm on 9/25/08.  we'll see how long it lasts.  i will chronicle the thrilling and exhilarating tales of my days of retirement (aka 'temporary unemployment').  $10 that i will either become bored of this in 6 days or i will forget all about it, and then a future potential employer will google my name, find this silly blog, and refuse to hire me.