if we were on Lost...

i have watched 73 episodes of LOST since last thursday (pathetic) and i started to think about how i wanted to be lost on a deserted island with my friends.  it sounds like fun, minus the whole gun shooting and murders.  so i thought it would be fun to compare my friends to the LOST character they most resemble.

J. Stahl = Michael

Stahl is the biggest sandbagger i know, and michael is the biggest sandbagger on the show.  it's an easy decision.  michael murders ana lucia & libby in cold blood and turns in jack, kate, and sawyer to 'the others' so he can get his son back.  he also peeped and saw sun naked from the waist up in season one, which is one of stahl's favorite hobbies.  

Carter = John Locke

carter is a lot smarter than he looks, and the same goes for john locke.  when locke first appeared laying helplessly in the beach after Oceanic flight 815 crashed, he looked dumb and very confused. i thought the same when i first met carter. but it turns out you can't judge a book by its cover.  locke & carter are both brilliant (even though it pains me to compliment carter in any way) and also both very calculated and sometimes secretive.  locke emerges as one of the leaders of the crash survivors, and is quite proficient in the outdoors with a gun and knife. carter is also someone our friends look up to as a 'leader' (he usually is the ring-leader in taking shots at a bar), and he has experience in the outdoors.  carter has been known to shoot birds and other animals in the mountains of oregon.  additionally, locke looks incredibly creepy at times, and carter is one of the creepiest people i know and says extremely inappropriate things to girls all the time.  also, locke is missing a kidney.  carter is missing his spleen.  and the main reason why carter = locke is because he said "f-you i want to be jack!"

The Coondawg = Jack

jack is dashingly handsome and quite the hunk, just like the coondawg himself.  it's hard not to like jack right from the beginning of the show.  similarly, it's impossible not to love the coondawg. most people consider jack the leader of the survivors. everyone turns to him for advice, leadership, and hope.  he is always there for his friends.  the coondawg is always there for his friends, as well.  he serves as a beacon of hope for america, just as jack is the symbol of hope for the survivors of oceanic flight 815. jack saves countless people throughout the show, from rescuing from after the crash to serving as the island doctor.  he's a hero.  

Amanda = Kate

kate and amanda are total bad-asses.  kate burned down her house with her drunk father inside, robbed a bank, and was a fugitive in australia. amanda also has a painful and reckless past.  in her youth she was a neighborhood terror in medfield. families feared that her hippie living ways would be a negative influence on those around her.  in high school, she shipped pot in a peanut butter jar across state lines, which is a felony. despite their dark pasts, they are both easy to love and are greatly respected amongst their peers.  amanda went bungee jumping in british columbia, which is where evangeline lilly (kate) is from.  both amanda and kate are both great at 'tracking' in the woods.  

Parker = Sawyer

parker is a conniving, two-faced liar, just like sawyer. parker defines the word 'womanizer' and thinks he is far more attractive than he is, just like sawyer.  sawyer quickly becomes one of the most hated survivors of the plane crash and rubs people the wrong way with his cynical, dickhead ways.  similarly, parker is one of the most hated of our friends.  parker and sawyer have made a living off hooking up with girls, pretending he cares about them, and then steal their money. sawyer makes a habit of making up nicknames for people such as "freckles" for kate, "mr miyagi" and "bruce [lee]" for jin, "dr quinn" and "cool hand" for jack, "pillsbury" and "stay puft" for hurley. the last time i hung out with parker in a bar, he went up to a girl and told her she "looked like a dragon." he also refers to j. stahl as "jacoby stahlsbury" and his mother as "zelda."  

Steve = Hurley

steve eats more than anyone else I know (i.e. roggie's pizza at 4am). steve also has an imaginary friend named Dave.  and the girls he likes usually ends up dying.  

Cosgrove = Ana Lucia

ana lucia is one tough mama.  she is a bad-ass LAPD cop who puts the capital T in Tough. cosgrove is pretty much the toughest, most intimidating girl i know and really reminds me of ana lucia.  teaching in the Bronx for the last 2.5 years has made her stone-faced and cold. and scary. 

Kyle = Mr. Eko

kyle aspires to be a nigerian drug lord and is the strongest person i know in terms of pure strength.  kyle also enjoys quoting scripture for fun.  

Micah = Walt

they are both just so cute and lovable. not only do they look really similar, walt and micah both lived in australia for a short time.  walt looks up to john locke and respects him greatly, just as micah looks up to carter (aka john locke).  

McGoohan = Mr. Arzt

mr. arzt is a very intelligent science teacher who is very helpful for the survivors but unfortunately blows himself up with dynamite. mcgoohan is the smartest scientist i know and spent the last 2 years doing strange medical tests with mice.  just seemed logical. 

Cook = Jin

Jin is an attractive man from Korea and does not speak English. he is married to Sun and he is a very angry, controlling but sometimes loving husband. cook is half-asian so he would make a great jin.  cook is also a great cook (pun intended) and jin likes to catch fish and cook them.  

Kate = Sun

sun is a very pretty Korean woman who is married to jin. sun's life is controlled by jin and kate's life is pretty much controlled by jeff so that was a no-brainer. sun learned english behind jin's back, which greatly upset him.  no matter what happens though, sun is a very loyal and loving wife who risks her life by going out on a boat with sayid & jin to save jack, kate, and sawyer. kate is also a very loyal and loving wife & has great warmth and compassion. 

J. Stahl = Ben

ben is just so easy to hate, so i let stahl be two different (hated) characters. ben tries to convince jack & co. that he is henry gale, a guy from minnesota who crashed his hot-air baloon. stahl does not fly a hot-air baloon, but he is an avid snowmobiler.  ben is a bad, bad man with a tumor in his spine. stahl is a bad, bad man with no spine (figuratively speaking). 

J. Carlson = Henry Gale

henry gale is dead, but they show his drivers license for 1.8 seconds and it says he is from wayzata, minnesota.  carlson is also from wayzata, minnesota.  

Curt = Charlie

charlie's life was in disarray before the plane crashed and he wound up on the island. he was a heroin junkie who used to be in a rock band in england. there were doubts if he was ever going to clean up his act. we wondered the same thing when curt didnt go to class senior year and instead played online poker all night long. charlie ends up being a great man who everyone loves & is a hero at the end of season 3.  curt wound up being a hero this summer when he placed in the top 150 poker players at the world series of poker in vegas. who knew he would come around! 

Mok = Alex

alex is rousseau's long-lost daughter who hates her fake father, ben, and tries to help kate, sawyer, etc. to escape 'the others.'  she's a smart, sweet, genuine girl who has a big heart and does not like living with the others.  Mok is equally sweet  and smart and has the brown hair to match alex.  

Me = Desmond

desmond is a great, wise man who sees 'flashes' from the future. he is a great asset to the survivors and helps charlie get into the underwater station. some may say he is a sage - a well-read and very intelligent man who once was a monk. he's a stud so that's partly why i cast myself as him.  plus, i wish i had a scottish accent, brother. 

Todisco = Paolo

if todisco grew out his hair a bit he would be the perfect paolo.  

Jared = Sayid

jared is not iraqi but he has the curly, flowing locks to match sayid, who is one of the most likable characters on the show. jared is one of the most likable guys i know. both are super nice, compassionate, and very suave with the ladies. to my knowledge, jared was not an iraqi torturer though. 

Loftus = Rousseau

katie is not french but she is very intelligent and has the brown hair to pull off the rousseau look.  she is also mok's mother. 

thanks to kate aka amanda for this idea and input...

temporary hiatus

i have been too busy watching LOST that i forgot about updating this blog.  

i have watched 20 episodes in the last 24 hours.  

that is all. 

hi mrs sage!

my mom didn't know that you can videoconference on her Mac, so carter and i decided to play a little prank on her.  i set up the webcam with carter and hid it behind a website where i told my mom i had an article i wanted her to read.  

to her surprise, carter was there to say 'hello'

Mastercard vs. The Greater Coondawg Open

those who are familiar with The Greater Coondawg Open are well aware that we sell GCO merchandise on our website.  one of the GCO executives whose name will go unmentioned created the GCO website and all merchandise.  Zazzle.com is the website used to create the merchandise.  by my count, The GCO sold 3 t-shirts and keychains in its first 5 months of existence, which created slightly more revenue than lehman brothers did in Q3.  one of the executives created t-shirts that apparently violated the intellectual property rights for Mastercard.  we were notified of this last night:

Dear *******,

Thank you for your interest in Zazzle.com, and thank you for publishing products on Zazzle.  Unfortunately, it appears that your product, "GCO Shirt," is in violation of Zazzle's Copyright policies.  Specifically, your product has violated the intellectual property rights of Mastercard. 

We have been contacted by Mastercard and will be removing this product from the Zazzle galleries shortly. 

Best regards,

Content Management Team

Zazzle.com, Inc. 

We are going to fight it.  

bump up jesus christ in a chevy

i tutored a 2nd grader named kenneth last night.  what a strange little kid.  he started telling me how tomorrow is his birthday and how he is so excited to turn 8 and go skating after school.  he also said that they might go to six flags but only with the good friends - the bad kids at school who punch people and are grounded can't go.  i came across a piece of paper that was in his folder and it had all of his background info - and it said his birthday is june 7th.  kenneth lied to me.  so i said 'hey kenneth, your birthday is in june.'  he got quiet and then started to pout.  

then he snapped out of it and told me that i need to learn how to "bump up jesus christ in a chevy."  the conversation went like this

kenneth: you need to bump jesus christ in a chevy. i bump up jesus christ every day

me: what on earth are you talking about?

k: bumpin' up jesus christ man. don't you know what that is? man you need to know

me: kenneth, that makes absolutely no sense. do you go to school? is this what they teach you? why a chevy?

k: man its bumpin up jesus.  in a chevy.  you gotta understand.  

me: i don't get it

k: do you know what sovereign means?  

me: yes

k: what does it mean?

me: i am 17 years older than you. i dont have to answer this question. i know what it means

k: what does omnipresent mean?

me: always present

k: uh-huh. jesus christ is always present.  thats why we gots to bump him up

me: does jesus like chevy's?  what about honda or lexus or ford? why is it a chevy?

k: man you need to learn how to bump up jesus.  i love his mission.  i love jesus

me: i still don't get the bumping up part

we then proceeded to learn about contractions, although he could not possibly comprehend what they were.  i hope i learn how to bump up jesus in a chevy before i see him again next week, or he's gonna be mad.  

to have an idea what kenneth looks like and how he talks, this kid is definitely his long lost twin brother

videoconferencing

the best part about my day so far has been videoconferencing with two of my friends.  for privacy purposes, we'll call them amanda and carter.  we videoconferenced for over an hour.  it was great.  

hi carter.  you look good.  

amanda is riding a rollercoaster.  note the fandango website in the background - i was planning on seeing a movie during the day, but videoconferencing was much more fun.  

carter busted out a GCO mug and a yuengling and started drinking.  this was taken around 12:26pm CST.  

carter on the beach.  

Re: Your eBay item sold! WHAT?! REALLY?!

i was driving down the kennedy expressway into downtown chicago last night when i got an email from eBay saying that someone actually won the auction for my wrestling practice t-shirt and shorts from freshmen year.  i had completely forgotten about the auction and was just stunned that someone bought it.  i figured one of my sandbagger friends bought it just so i would have to physically leave my house and send it in the mail, which requires maximum effort for someone who is enjoying retirement.  but no - none of my sandbagger friends bought it.  the buyer is from CHARLOTTE, NC and HER name is amy.  also, keep in mind that she purchased the t-shirt and shorts for 14 cents.  i should have started the auction at 3 or 4 dollars.  why the hell is a woman from charlotte buying my wrestling clothes from 1998?  that makes no sense.  i immediately thought of my friend edward in charlotte and figured he had one of his friends in charlotte buy it as a joke.  so i looked her up on facebook but saw that we have no mutual friends.  i couldn't think of anything else to do, so i emailed her.  this is what i said:

"hi amy,

it appears that you won the ebay auction for my old wrestling t-shirt and shorts. i just wanted to check to see if this was a mistake or some sort of accidental purchase. i put them on ebay as a joke amongst my friends.  not once did i ever think someone would actually bid on them, let alone win the auction.  needless to say, i was pretty shocked when i got the email that you won the auction.  let me know what you think when you get this.  

thanks, 

brendan"

amy wrote back tonight.  this is her response:

"Hi Brendan-

I realize that the purchase was a bit odd; just as the posting was.  And my explanation for purchasing this rivals your explanation for selling it, but since you shared your story, I will share mine: My husband is the world's biggest Bill Murray fan.  Each year for his birthday and Christmas, I buy him some obscure Bill Murray related memorabilia. This practice has evolved into something of a joke over time and I have continued to go further and further in the obscurity department. As I'm sure you know, Bill Murray went to your high school as you can now guess, the 'obscure gift of the year' to my husband is this t-shirt (I thought the fact that it's a wrestling shirt really adds some charm). While I'm sure that Bill didn't wrestle as you did, my husband will be absolutely tickled by this gift. 

I hope that this ensures that your shirt is going to some good hands. In fact, since my husband has a great sense of humor - and evidently you do too - if you'd like to write something about the shirt that he will be receiving, it would actually be appreciated and my husband would likely find it hilarious. 

I hope I haven't shared too much. 

Best regards, 

Amy" 

this is a riot.  much more than i ever bargained for.  so, so random.  well, i suppose the only thing to do is to send amy the t-shirt & shorts...AND, as she requested, write a little letter for her husband.  i want to write a great little b-day letter for amy's husband, so i think it would be fun to open up the letter writing to my 4.2 loyal readers.  please submit funny letters to me by 10pm CST/11pm EST on Thursday night.  i will put together bits and pieces from each letter and send to amy.  thanks!

tacos burritos whats comin out your speedo?

i woke up yesterday in horrible pain.  my body hated me for running the chitown marathon on sunday.  i could hear my body yelling 'f you! i hate you! this feels worse than rabies!' so i had to do something so my body would start to forgive me.  there is one place that can instantaneously make my body happy...chipotle.  and there is not a better way to recover from an 80 degree, 26.2 mile death march than by eating a delicious chipotle burrito.  and man was it delicious. usually when i came home from boston chipotle was one of the first places i visited.  but when i moved back in early september i banned trips to chipotle and wouldn't let myself go until after the marathon was over.  it was one of the top 13 hardest things i've ever done.  i drove by it almost every day (that's a lie - i didn't leave my house 3-4 days a week in september).  walking (or should i say waddling like a duck?) into chipotle yesterday was beyond liberating...i was smiling more than parker after DHing.  

i think i'm going to go back today.  i can't resist.  

i have an anonymous follower

thanks to katie the stranger who randomly posted a comment on the blog...

"No idea who you are, randomly found the blog. But Google Tom Collicio and you will find another uncanny resemblance to Cal Ripken."

thank you, katie. i don't know who you are, but i love you. 

things i found in my car

i started to unpack the stuff from my car today - a huge recliner that blocked the view from my rear-view mirror, some boxes, 1.8 chairs, and other crap like the red stapler that i used at work (it served as a symbol of my bane 'officespace'-esque existence).  the stuff has been in my car for over 5 weeks.  here are some pictures of 3 of the items that have been in the car:

this is the ugliest, most hideous painting i have ever seen.  is the girl on the left the devil? she has devil ears. this was created by a friend from college who lives near me back home.  long story as to why i have it, but it has been in my possession for over a year.  i left it under my bed in boston because it was just too horrible to look at.  i might burn it. i hope my friend got an F for this painting because it sucks.  i really hope its not a self-portrait. 

some of you might be familiar with my old school 1980s BC folding chair.  this was acquired through an eBay purchase on a very, very drunk night sophomore year.  i woke up the next morning and thought "oh crap i think i bought something on eBay."  sure enough, i did.  $55 for the chair. $19 for shipping.  great way to waste $74.  i also bought something else that night...a $2 lightswitch cover with doug flutie painted on it.  i still have it.  now that was a great purchase.  

here is my leather desk chair.  it is no longer a working chair because as i took it out of my jeep, i realized that i left the base of the chair with the wheels back in boston.  so its a worthless piece of junk.  

carter ruined my day on the links

oh hey.  que pasa. greetings from the land of retirement. i didnt realize that my webcam takes pictures like a mirror, so the first attempt at a picture (see top) was a complete failure. i had to re-write my sign with backward letters. 

yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of my last day of work, so i celebrated by sleeping in, getting a haircut, and playing golf.  it was a perfect fall day - leaves were falling, the sun was shining. i had a great round going - the best round i have had in 2 years - and as i walked off the 17th tee i got a text message from a good friend.  for the sake of privacy, i'll call him chris carter.  the text asked what i was doing, so i told him i was about to tee off on 18.  chris carter responded and said he hoped i sliced my drive into the drink (the drink = water for you ignorant non-golfers).  i usually keep my phone in my golf bag, but for some reason i responded and left the phone in my pocket.  i made the mistake of telling him if i par the 18th hole i will finish with a great score.  i was taking a practice swing and i felt a vibration in my pocket.  carter.  he said "choke! choke! choke!'" i wrote back "if i bogey this you are dead." i was nervous as i stood over my shot, thinking about these taunting texts.  i hit my shot on the green, but had a long birdie putt.  as i walked up to the green, i felt another vibration in my pocket (it felt really good in a good way).  the text said, "double bogey! double bogey! double bogey!" i hit the putt 3 feet past the hole.  uh oh.  a tough left-to-right breaking 3 footer with my  best score in 2 years on the line.  i lined up my putt and i stood over the ball visions of carter mockingly laughing appeared in my head.  he was yelling "miss it miss it miss it!"

and i missed it.  made bogey.  F you chris carter!  you ruined my round.  i hate you

look what i found on ebay...

click below...

this might be the hottest auction on ebay

sweet friday night!!!!

this was my really fun friday night:

5:05pm - i decided to get wild and see a movie with my 3 best friends (me, myself, and i)

5:07pm - i visited my friend fandango and found a movie

5:38pm - i arrived at the theater

5:40pm - i bought a large diet coke

5:45pm - previews began

5:52pm - viewing of "nick & norah's infinite playlist" began

5:55pm - i finished my large diet coke and suddenly have to pee

6:04pm - we meet norah (played by kat dennings)

6:08pm - i go pee

6:23pm - i hear high schoolers making out behind me. the kissing noises are sloppy.  amateurs.

6:28pm - i go pee again

6:43pm - i realize i am the only person in the theater giggling

7:22pm - movie ends. i leave feeling happy.  good movie.  

7:34pm - i get home. my roommates are gone.  i decide to make dinner for them for when they get home

8:04pm - i google kat dennings and find this picture that makes her look like marilyn manson

8:17pm - i cook dinner.  i eat by myself.  where are my roommates? 

8:52pm - roommates are still not home.  their food is cold. 

9:08pm - i watch forgetting sarah marshall

9:25pm - mila kunis is really hot.  i pause the movie to wikipedia mila kunis and find everything there is to know about her. 

9:27pm - i throw a brick at my computer when i learn that she is married to macaulay culkin

9:29pm - i smash my "home alone" DVD

9:30pm - i resume watching forgetting sarah marshall

i have no clue what time the movie finished

11:22pm - i go to bed.

i try to forget that i was on the freshman wrestling team

after a month in the land of lincoln, i finally started to unpack today.  while looking through old clothes in my drawers, i came across my high school freshmen wrestling t-shirt.  i try to keep this a secret because it was a dark, dark time back in the winter of '98.  i'm sure my 3 loyal readers are thinking, "i bet he was the best wrestler on the squad! he is so muscular and has a wrestler's build!" while that may be true, i was by far the worst wrestler on the team.  in no way whatsoever did i add anything to the team, other than serve as the team's 159 lb. living human bitch-toy in practice.  i boasted a record of 1-7 (keep in mind that my only victory was a forfeit, so i technically did not win a single match all year).  hell i don't even think i won a match in practice.  there were 3 or 4 other guys in my weight class, and we had to wrestle each other in practice to see who would go to the actual matches.  i only went to the matches when the other guys couldn't go.  needless to say, i hung up my wrestling shoes and retired after one year.  i don't even think the coach asked me why i wasn't coming back. 

one month at home...the greatest panini...cal ripken jr.?

i've been home for one month now.  i spent about 32 seconds thinking about what i have done over the last month & i couldn't really think of anything productive.  i went to some college football games, cubs games, played a lot of golf, went to a wedding, slept in, etc.  i haven't even unpacked yet.  when i left boston my life was packed into my jeep.  half of my stuff is still in my jeep (including my comforter and pillow...now that is lazy).  i should probably get the rest out of it and maybe, just maybe, start to unpack. so i was thinking about the last month and concluded that best (and only) accomplishment was that i made the single greatest panini in the history of paninis.  seriously, i challenge all 4 of my readers to make a better panini.  you can't do it.  

yesterday was a pretty great day.  i played golf in the morning and went to the cubs game last night.  before the cubs game i thought i saw Cal Ripken Jr. about 50 feet away.  i turned to my buddy and said "hey there's cal ripken!" then people around us started chanting "steve! steve! steve!" i was like who the hell is steve? why are people calling cal ripken steve?! how could you disrespect one of the greatest baseball players to ever live by calling him steve?! idiots, i thought.  turns out it was not cal ripken, but Steve Wilkos, jerry springer's bodyguard. the resemblance is remarkable.  or maybe the old style was getting to my head.  then someone told me that this dude has his own tv show...the steve wilkos show.  seriously? what a joke.  i thought i would do some research about his show since i've never seen it.  the first google news story to come up said "The Steve Wilkos Show - When Ashley was 16, her mother traded her to a 43-year old man in exchange for a bird! Can Steve knock some parenting sense into this kind of parent?"(side note: this made me think of when my aunt anne and cousin molly were in morocco a few years back and some crazy moroccan tried to convince my aunt to trade 'the pretty blonde,' molly, for 100 camels...aunt anne politely declined...i wonder if she was tempted) - poor ashley.  traded for a bird!  that has to screw her up for life, or end up being a bird killer.